Well, i have been absent from my blog for quite some time now, and i felt it fitting to return with a pieces from a good friend, and seasoned rant’ist
I advise taking the time to read it.
Have you clued in yet? Yes? Finally. I was wondering if you would ever cross over into
reality. Is this your first time or have you been here before? Oh yes, yes it’s very bleak
here. But that is up to you to change. You see, in reality, you are expected to make your
own way instead of living off the backs of others like a cancerous tumour. It may be quite
difficult to adjust at first, and this is the first of many critical stages which will
decide whether you will succeed or you will wash out as so many have before you. At this
point if you are still reading, I shall begin. I’m going to deconstruct your entire
behaviour and leave it wide out in the open so that you can plainly see where it is that
you have been screwing up in recent months. Yeah that’s right, I said months. Some of us
have been trying to hint to you for that long. I don’t know whether you’re an idiot, or
you’re just ignorant. I’m hoping you’ve just been ignorant because that’s easy to fix. I’m
doing it right now and I could keep going. I think I will. Shall we? Now the question is,
where to begin? Let’s start with the night you finally clued in. Let’s see, I was picked up
and was informed that we were going to Timmy’s in Ancaster simply because it was far enough
to constitute a trip so as to get away from watching you play video games all day and all
night. On the way there, we decided we were going to take back the TV and put a chick flick
on in hopes that you would get bored and go home. Alas, alack! You talked through the entire
film. Chick flick or not, I was actually trying to get into the movie but you couldn’t help
but talk during all the important parts. Worse, you instigated your friend to act like an
idiot which caused even more tension. Believe it or not, your friend is a good person who
(SURPRISE!) doesn’t share any of the same moral views as you. You’re all alone on the
asshole bit, but I’ll get to that later when I make a list and systematically pick through
all your faults. Yeah, there are that many. In short, that tension that night was created
solely by you, and the reason she stomped upstairs (Did you catch that, or were you too
busy stuck inside your own head to notice one of us was fuming and left for longer than it
takes to grab a glass of water?) Now I know you caught on when we were leaving, because you
made it plainly obvious that you were waiting for me to leave, and you got fed up when you
realized I wasn’t going anywhere, and stomped off like a little prissy girl. How do I know?
Because you always do it. You always wait until I exit, its like you have to be the last
person to leave that house. You’ve always got to close shop, and nobody else can stick
around if you’re not there. What clued me in was the fact that you always at least wait for
me outside if you for some strange reason exit before I do. Last night you were a block and
a half up the street before I even stepped outside, which was less than thirty seconds after
you did. Now that you have been made to understand the gravity of the situation, I shall
explain the reasoning behind all of this. On to the part that’s hard to hear:
1. Paying attention? Good. I’m gonna lay it out on the table. You need to grow up. I heard
what you said on new years, and let me tell you man to boy that your entire school of
thought is farcical at best. Your spurious attitude has left you with nothing. On new years
you mentioned something to the effect of “Everyone is trying to grow up too fast, I don’t
think I need to grow up that soon”. Well you do. That house you mooch from has changed from
a house of boys and girls to a house of men and women, and somewhere along the line you
missed the memo. Have you ever sat there and wondered why you get no respect from anyone?
Don’t say no because I know you do. Its because you don’t show anyone that you have any
respect for anything or anyone in the first place. You have to give a lot in order to get a
little and it’s not fair but that’s just how it works. Your entire attitude needs to change.
But I wouldn’t be so mean as to cut you to pieces and not give you any direction in which to
head. And that brings us to point number two…
2.This whole asshole routine got old shortly after conception, and everyone is just plain
too nice to say anything. When I met you, you were an extension of the couch. Useless in all
forms, the only things you knew how to do were to smoke pot and play video games. And that
was cool, when I was 16 and 17 I put up with a lot more than I should have. It soon became
apparent that you would attempt to assert dominance every time I was around, as if I was
your underling or in some cases, even your minion through which your will could be expressed.
I didn’t like it, but because I’m such a nice guy I let it slide for two years. You weren’t
an asshole when I met you, you only became one after trying too hard to fit in with a labour
crew. Of all different types of people to try to emulate the behaviour of, these people were
not a smart choice. You spent countless hours complaining about these people, and yet you
act exactly the same as them in the interest of fitting in. I will admit, you went from
being a part of the couch to being part of a fouton to a genuine hard-working person for the
first time in your life but the ideals you picked up along the way are not those of one of
any esteem. In short, you are acting like a loser. You already proved that you can’t hack it
as a labourer at this point in your life, but for some strange reason you decided to still
keep the attitude of lowlife scum. You hold yourself down through your own behaviours. Now,
you are back to being an extension of the fouton and you haven’t grown up a day since you
started working. In fact I might even go as far as to say that you have regressed somewhat
in your very long period of unemployment. You are not an asshole. You’re an emotional twat
who enjoys putting people down purely for the amusement factor. There’s a difference.
3. While we’re talking about routines getting old, a few things need to be addressed:
A) Sexual comments are a thing for kids around the age of 14. Count em, that’s 7 years
behind you. They joke about things that they do not fully understand, but since you give the
impression that you are well-versed in many aspects of sexual culture, by that definition
you need not part your lips to exude utterances unwelcome and unbecoming of you.
B) Being a pothead was a thing of highschool. Nobody dives at the chance to be high all day
like a loose football on the turf anymore. Nobody in your class level is proud to say that
they smoke as much pot as is consumed in that household. We don’t smoke pot just to get
high because we’re bored, nor do we smoke pot to run away from our problems in our own
lives. It’s tiresome. And while we’re on the subject of pot, I’m just gonna come right out
and say it. You smoke entirely too much pot that’s not yours. You don’t pitch, you don’t
buy in, you just expect that it will always be the same as when we were younger. Well guess
what? You used to pitch back in the day. What happened? You can’t expect other people to
foot the bill because you’re too lazy to go out and get your own job. It’s sad that when you
did have money for pot, it wasn’t even yours. You had to beg your then-girlfriend for enough
money to buy a half quarter to support your habit, and if that wasn’t working you’d get your
mother to give you money. As if she doesn’t have enough to worry about with your little
brother being the fuckup that he is, now she has to feel guilty for supporting a habit she’d
rather not have you sucked into. Now, while we’re actually smoking, there are various
unwritten rules which change based on the type of smoking device, the people involved, etc.,
but nowhere in any unwritten rules does it mention anything about consuming as much
marijuana by yourself as three other people consume. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m
talking about, either. When the pipe or the bong goes around, you hit it once unless
previously specified. Once. Not twice. Not three times. Not as many times as it takes for
someone to pay attention and say something. Once. Believe me, we do notice. I catch it every
time, especially when you think I’m not paying attention. You’re extra-blatant about it when
you think nobody’s the wiser, and that’s the kind of cocky attitude which has made me fed up
enough to bother going through all this trouble of writing this in the first place. From now
on if you’re not pitching, you’re not smoking. Far too long have other people paid good
money just to get you high.
C) I humbly request that you cease and desist being a know-it-all. We get it. You’re
intelligent. Unfortunately, you can have all the intelligence in the world and if you don’t
know how to use it, you won’t succeed. When you inform someone of something in an area you
have the slightest bit of knowledge, you tend to assume that they know nothing on that
subject, even if you know they do. Do you have any idea what that discreetly tells people?
They see you as talking down to them. You treat them like they know nothing. You are not
omniscient. If people want to learn, they will ask. These next two travel in league with
part C.
D) BRAGGART! That is one of many words to describe your personality. You’re a sore loser, a
sorer winner, and you just can’t stop rubbing something in. that’s called beating a dead
horse and it is not appreciated. It shows that you lack pride. Whenever you have/do
something successful (which is of late becoming less of a regular occurence), you have to
make sure everyone knows about it. That’s just plain childish. Keep your successes to
yourself.
E) Similarly, when you are unsuccessful, nobody wants to hear your ‘woe is me’ sob stories.
They’re mostly your fault to begin with, anyway. Maybe your life would be so bad if you’d
stop putting it on hold every chance you get. Let me explain to you the reasons you are
upset. You’re upset because you’re a nobody with nothing to offer anyone. That’s easily
remedied. Go out and get a job, build up some cash, and start supporting yourself for once.
You’re 21, its about time you started acting like it. Next in line, your ex-girlfriend. You
had one. It didn’t work out. Don’t act like you’re some sort of guru, because that ties in
with point D. Let me tell you why it didn’t work out. She was a single mother of a two year
old bastard child who saw that you were emotionally unstable and used you to take care of
her kid while she went out and did all the things she’s always wanted to do but never could
because she was burdened so by her child. Look at you, unemployed, with a hardcore
addiction/dependence on marijuana, and you were most importantly a virgin with low
self-esteem because everyone used to pick on you and call you gay because you never did
what it took to improve yourself enough to be able to care for a girlfriend. Of course she’s
going to take advantage of you. Finally one day she woke up, which in turn caused her to
wake up next to another guy. She used you to take care of her kid, and when her wants
exceeded your usefulness, she got rid of you. That is exactly what happened, and everybody
knows it except you, Mr. Oblivious. You don’t have to keep talking about her. In fact,
please don’t. Nobody liked her in the first place, and nobody cares now. By you talking to
her you are only creating your own drama, and that is not something for which someone will
feel sympathetic towards you. Do whatever. Talk to her, give her a booty call every now and
then, but don’t talk about her. And your brother, don’t get me started on your brother.
Every single person who knows who your brother is and what he’s like wants nothing to do
with him just the same as you. Similarly, we don’t want to hear anything about him either.
Unless he’s finally been stabbed or shot dead, don’t bring him up in conversation. For that
matter, stop talking just to not be silent.
F is for Fail) My personal favourite is the way you talk to/about women. Do you not
understand the concept that men and women speak differently when not in company of the
opposite sex? Men will talk like barbarians when women are not around, that has become
socially acceptable. But when women are present, one stifles that talk quicker than you can
kill a bowl. Have you ever wondered why women roll their eyes at you when you say something
stupid? Or why you can never seem to hold a meaningful conversation with a female without
hearing some sort of sarcastic remark? Its not because they’re stuck up bitches who can’t
see the good qualities you have, no, no. It’s much more simple than that. It’s because you
say things that no woman wants to hear, in combination with everything else I have already
gone over, and that which I will soon to have gone over. No woman ever wants to hear about
how you’ll give that bitch a good one of she steps out of line. NEWSFLASH! That’s not the
sort of thing you even hint at in the presence of a woman, no matter what kind of woman is
present. They have enough to worry about from the guys that will actually give them a good
ol’ 1-2 combo and have to walk around looking like a raccoon for a week without having to
worry about shit-talking whelps like you. To speak like that in front of a woman, to show
off that you are stronger and bigger and more dominant shows nothing but the utmost
disrespect for an entire gender, and puts a black mark on our own gender. Calm the fuck
down, Testosteronie Homie. That being said, abusing women is not a laughing matter. So next
time you joke about bashing a frustrated hostess in the face with her own laptop as she
comes around the corner, remember that that sort of talk does not win you respect from real
men, nor admiration from women. G? Paging Letter G? Ah, right there!
G) You have a huge issue with dominance, and while not entirely understandable, it’s
expected considering you spent years on the bottom of the food chain for reasons previously
stated. It was great when you had me as your cronie to do your bidding, because you weren’t
on the bottom anymore, but guess what? I climbed out of the hole I let you make me dig
myself into, and now you’re back on the bottom of the food chain. Even the dog chooses to
take your food yet he leaves mine alone. Since the dog is the second-last on the dominance
chain, it is up him to decide who gets the last slot. I’ll give you a hint. It wasn’t anyone
that actually lives there, and it’s not me. Don’t be bitter because now you’re the bitch
instead of me. After all, I dug a nice hole at your behest, now someone’s got to lie in it.
Accept it and move on and maybe, just maybe eventually you’ll rise up through the ranks too.
H) My next point is more of a personal attack on an aspect of your life which irritates me
to no end. You can’t think well of anybody who has wronged you in past. You hold grudges
and assumptions based on a lack of reasoning skills and common sense. You refuse to believe
that others who you viewed in past as less mature than you for whatever reasonings are any
more mature than when you knew them and saw them on a daily level. Of course, I speak mainly
of my good friend, your former room mate. I don’t know if you don’t care, you weren’t paying
attention, or you were just too high when I would bring up the subject, but your former room
mate has matured far beyond your level of comprehension in the small, small world that you
create and fantasize about in your own mind. No longer does her style of life match up with
your small-minded negative assumptions, but she has progressed to a standard of living which
is enviable and not entirely impossible to achieve. How, you might ask, does this make any
sense? Picture, if you will, a household that contains three cats instead of nine, one dog
instead of four, no snakes, no rabbits, no messes, no animal excrement littering the floor,
a (that’s right, ONE) solid boyfriend, and a tenant with a solid job she likes and has
become quite good at, I might add. I’ll bet you never thought someone that used to be so bad
could grow up to be someone so successful, but then again, isn’t that the entire lesson I’ve
been trying to teach you since the start of this article? For how immature she was when she
was younger, she was always leagues ahead of you simply because she didn’t require anyone to
depend on to push her to excel, whereas you need a winch just get get out of your seat and
someone to repeatedly poke you in the ass with a cattleprod just to get you started. Point
is, stop talking so much shit about people who are so much better off than you just because
you’re insecure about your own successes.
I) And on to the last point, number nine! Or I. Depends on your preference, really. It’s
been covered time and time again in this article, but what the hell, I figure I’ll give it
one more go. Man, you talk a lot of shit that you’re never going to back up. That comment
you made out of nowhere on new years about being able to take me because you can throw your
brother around and I’m not much more weight than him made me laugh inside. In fact, I was
laughing so hard that I could barely keep my composure and refrain from bursting out in
cachinnation that I could hardly argue back with you. Tough guy routine is old, too. Just
because you like to watch UFC like every other white kid mesmerized by two men bred for
caged combat redering each other senseless through effective use of strikes to the noggin
(otherwise known as going upside one’s head), doesn’t mean that you can pull it off too. Let
me repeat that in simple English in case you choose to continue your façade of selective
stupidity. Watching other people fight doesn’t make you a good fighter. I’m not going to
boast about my own combat skills as that would defeat the purpose of chewing you out for
doing the same, but let me say that anyone could take anyone on any day. That is one thing
you learn with experience as a fighter. You can lose. Keep that in mind. Now, I know exactly
what’s going through your head. You’re heavier than me, you’re pretty quick, once you get in
close there’s no stopping you because you’ll just throw around your weight. All because you
beat up your twig of a brother two Christmases in a row and counting. Oh, and because you
‘can take a good punch, man’. Yeah. You’re pretty tough. That’s why you play with your knife
all the time and threaten to stab/cut people who talk back to you in retort to a stupid
comment that you would make previously just to get a rise out of someone just so you can
tell them you’ll cut them and then take out your knife and play with it. You’ve been out of
a job for how long now and you still carry around your ‘work blade’? That poor thing needs
to be retired. Not only have you made it entirely illegal by having it open so smoothly at
the slightest flick of your wrist, people view it as just plain creepy that you even carry
one around all the time for no apparent reason other than to pull it out or to make empty
threats with it. Anyway, it’s not about the knife. If you’re going to carry it around with
you everywhere you go, keep it in your pocket and don’t take it out unless someone is
bludgeoning you with a pipe. But even then, I think you’d be a tad outclassed, so the point
is moot. What this paragraph is about, however, is your belief that you are somehow
invincible, as if life can be cheated. You are sadly mistaken, and if you don’t smarten up
stop running your mouth you will soon find yourself sorely mistook as well as sadly. I don’t
intend to start another debate on the subject, but knowing you I think it will if I say I
don’t think you could take me most days. Regardless, I’m going to say it anyway. I don’t
think that on most days you could take me one on one with no interruptions and with no
weapons, simply because you give the impression that you can not lose. Do you know what
happens to people who truly believe they can not lose? After they get knocked out they sit
in a daze and wonder what happened, and then they try to explain away the reasons they lost,
so as to keep a pure and undefeated image of themselves inside their own heads. The point
I’m attempting to construe through that thick head of yours is that you shouldn’t even be
talking about fighting unless you are a fighter. And you, my friend, are no fighter. To be
a fighter, you must have honour. The only honour you have is on America’s Army. You could
be a great figher if you wanted to, but there’s not really much point unless you want to
go the legitimate way and get into martial arts. Now there’s an accomplishment to be
proud of!
In closing, I hope that you actually had the balls to read this far. I know, it’s a lot
of time and effort that you’d much rather spend smoking pot and playing video games, but
OH THAT’S RIGHT! You can’t do that anymore, so you might as well have read this anyway. If
you have read this far, you have already exceeded my very low expectations which I had set
for you, and who knows? You might actually learn something from all of this analytical crap
that I spent three and a half hours typing out for the benefit of all who know you. I know I
did. I learned that next time, I’m just going to beat a face in without warning instead of
letting a situation get out of hand for two or three years and have my friends and myself
stressed to the point where I need to channel my rage through an acceptable medium such as
this article. That’s what I learned. Did you learn anything? I most certainly hope you did,
because if you didn’t you’re gonna either end up like your brother, running his mouth to
the wrong people, or your dad, secluded and obsessed with video games. I mean, you talk
so much shit about them but then you do exactly the same thing that you so hate.
Hypocritical, is it not?
surprised? I doubt it.
